Review - Sarah Palin: Vampire Hunter by Dan McGirt

Take a trip into the wonderful world of vampire/twilight plus political snark in Dan McGirt's novella Sarah Palin: Vampire Hunter.

Blurb from site:

"Sarah Palin vs. Vampires! Vampire hunter Palin and her team visit Twinkle, Oregon a tiny town with a big vampire problem. For teenage Stella and her undead boyfriend Edmund (not to mention werewolf Jake) life--and unlife--will never be the same! A madcap mix of humor, horror, and wild guns-blazing vampire-fighting action!"

McGirt intended this story to be completely tongue-in-cheek sarcasm dripping goodness. Palin hunts Twilight-esque vampires in order to protect the American public in their natural habitat...Walmart. Oh yes, get your 'walmart feet' comments ready lol. Of course no Twilight parody would be complete without the werewolves, so they show up too. Even the infamous plumber from the presidential campaigns has a part and a woman that is...Tonya Harding, I believe? The political commentary of Palin and her "renegade" speak are front and center. The ending wasn't all I had hoped for; however, it was worth a few laughs. This story is not meant to be an in-depth, well-written, piece of prize winning fiction; it is a black humor snarkfest. As long as you go in with the right expectations, you will not be greatly disappointed. Bottom line, at a price of about 2 dollars, you really can't go wrong.

Rating: 2.5/5

~Helena

Happy Saint Patty's!

I did a search today for 'St Patricks vampire' and I stumbled across these cute tshirts.  There are a handful more on the website as well.  I am not quite sure what the link between Irish and Twilight is...or maybe I am retarded and it is a well known fact, but anyways they are definitely festive.  Happy Holidays and remember to drink responsibly!

~Helena

From my Kleenex fortress

In light of current medical conditions, this post is brought to you by Kleenex, Afrin nasal spray, and the Mucinex D that I had to sign my life away for.  Seriously people, stop making meth.  I may just send you all my dirty tissues in the mail to prove a point for all the sickies out there like me.  So while I wallow, bitch, and whine...I really am a pathetic baby, I decided to procrastinate more on my school work and bring you an update post.

I finished Shadowfever and it was FANTASTIC!!!  I will be doing a review in the near future.  Another gem that I finally found a copy of and read at breakneck speed was Vampirates.  Yes, the perfect combo to fulfill all my fantasies...too bad its a children's book *wink*.  A review will be done on that one too, because vampires + pirates...awesome sauce!


Just the other day, I downloaded a copy of Sarah Palin: Vampire Hunter.  Yes, the title speaks for itself.  It is a Twilight parody with a political satirical twist.  It has kept me amused so far; right now I am at the halfway mark.  Betcha last dollar, you will see a blurb about it when I am done.

The dear mailman dropped off an ARC for me to finish this week.  Lauren DeStefano's first in her Chemical Garden trilogy, entitled Wither.  Really excited to dig in. :)

After I stop being all Sicky McSickerson, be prepared to see a lot more activity from me.

(no, it doesn't)

Keeping my germs to myself, for the most part...

~Helena

In the Name of all that's HOLY, part 2

Last time, on Holy Mother of Twilight Fail, we showed this picture of a egg-donor mom and her faux-tramp enstamped infant. Yes, it was the very definition of "Made of Fail."

Until now.

Oh, that's right. We've found an even greater "What the F@#K!" picture, where the tattoo is actually real.

***WARNING - HAZARDOUS TO HUMAN DECENCY***

There are so many issues of WRONG here that I can't begin to tackle them. I just...words are failing me.

~Lily

Emo Vampire Song : The Key of Awesome

Renesmee Cast for Breaking Dawn

It seems the powers that be at Summit Entertainment have cast the half-human, half-vampire crotch dropping offspring of Twilight's Bella and Edward for the final films. 9 year old actress Mackenzie Foy, who looks so angelic she appears otherworldly, will join the cast of Breaking Dawn as Renesmee Cullen. There's been no word yet on how Foy will portray the supernatural Renesmee, who ages at an accelerated rate.



Is it just me, or does she actually look like she could be the progeny of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson?
Seriously? It's kinda startling.

~Lily

Stephanie Meyers, we're looking at you

Thanks to the delightful folks at Cracked.com, we have traditional monsters, Twilight style.

~Lily

In the Name of All that's HOLY?!

This. Just...this. THIS is why I am in favor of selective breeding.

Any brain dead moron can have a child, but you have to have a license to fish.

A temporary tattoo is not child abuse. Growing up in the hands of a "mother" (see in this case, "incubator") who has 1.) an obvious fixation with a phenomena intended for a far younger age group/maturity level and 2.) thinks it's acceptable, and even cute, to express her own preferences in the form of a mark known by the name "tramp stamp" on her infant daughter may indeed be a foreshadowing of future neglect/poor decision making/bad parenting.

This makes me far angrier than it probably should.

~Lily

It's Friggin' Twilight, Yo

Here's a Independence Day gift for you. Twilight...Jersey Shores style!




Apparently, the Jersey Shores cast is really good at parodying themselves and anything else in pop culture. For a recent Jimmy Kimmel Live Twilight-themed special, the cast of Jersey Shores pulled out all the stops.

Enjoy!

~Lily

Recommendsday Review - The Host

It's Recommendsday, and today we're reviewing The Host by Stephenie Meyer.

Synopsis:

Our world has been invaded by an unseen enemy. Humans become hosts for these invaders, their minds taken over while their bodies remain intact and continue their lives apparently unchanged. Most of humanity has succumbed. When Melanie, one of the few remaining "wild" humans, is captured, she is certain it is her end. Wanderer, the invading "soul" who has been given Melanie's body, was warned about the challenges of living inside a human: the overwhelming emotions, the glut of senses, the too-vivid memories. But there was one difficulty Wanderer didn't expect: the former tenant of her body refusing to relinquish possession of her mind. When outside forces make Wanderer and Melanie unwilling allies, they set off on a dangerous and uncertain search for the man they both love.

Where do I even begin? Meyer is responsible for the Twilight series. For the sake of removing bias from this review, I'm going to ignore that fact to the best of my ability. While the tween fueled juggernaut that will not die Twilight introduced Meyer to the world, The Host introduced her to the literary community as more than a flash in the pan fad creator.

The Host is long, in depth, and intense. While it takes a few chapters to get rolling, once it picks up speed there is no stopping it. The characters are the driving force of this book. They literally come to life. Melanie, Wander (Wanda), Jared, and all of the secondary characters are well rounded and multi-dimensional. So much of the action and dialogue takes place within Wanda/Melanie's head, it is difficult not to over-identify with her/them and her/their struggle. And yet, it isn't boring. Wanda's memories of alien worlds and her desire to blend into the newly conquered human world conflict with Melanie's deep love of her boyfriend and brother and her desire to regain her life and body. Yet the two must work together, despite personal desires pulling them in opposite directions. Soon the lines begin to blur, and the factors separating Melanie and Wanda lose distinction. Wanda begins to love the humans she's supposed to hunt down because Melanie loves them so. And Melanie begins to realize that Wanda isn't the monster she initially believed. It's an uneasy partnership fueled by necessity that eventually becomes much more, but ultimately cannot last. A single body cannot support two souls with both remaining intact, and so one must inevitably leave.

I can't possibly say enough about the characterization in The Host. Even the basest characters have some redeeming qualities, and the most angelic are capable of evil. Everyone is a hero, everyone is a villain. It's a true study of human nature and the core traits that truly render someone "human."

The setting itself acts as another secondary character; the cave in which the survivors live as much a part of the story as the heroines, Wanda and Melanie. The plot is shaped by those rough cave walls, etched out of the world Meyer creates. The tedium of everyday survival within the cave is palpable and stands in stark juxtaposition to the frantic action surrounding every venture beyond the cave walls. But even the cave itself is not completely safe from danger, and trouble comes in many forms throughout the course of the story. It is truly never dull.

The plot of The Host is too long, involved and twisting for me to give it justice, so I'm not going to try. Read the synopsis and if you have even the slightest urge to read more, I highly recommend getting this book. Buy it, because it's one you'll want to have on hand for future rereads. The story starts slow, but that slow start lays the foundation for an exceptional work of fiction that holds a great deal of truth.

I sincerely wish Meyer writes more stories like this one. It's nothing short of phenomenal.

Rating: 5/5

~Lily

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner

Anyone that follows the Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer has heard about this newest novella, which follows the plight of a newborn non-vegetarian vampire army.  The hardback and ebook files were released on June 5th for consumption.  Hardback sales include a dollar donation to the American Red Cross Haiti fund, a more than worthy cause.

Am I the only one though, that can't seem to remember for the life of me who Bree Tanner is?  I will make a point to read this edition simply for series completion sake, if not due to intrigue; however, I really need a refresher course here apparently.  Anyways I digress...


A little over an hour ago, Meyer also released a free online reading.  Until midnight on July 5th, fans can read the entire novella absolutely free on their computers.  Make sure to check it out, whether you prefer the free computer screen version or one that you can hold in your hands. :)

~Helena

It's Obviously Bill!

HBO has released the newest marketing poster for the upcoming season of True Blood. I like to call it "Blatant Bill!"

Blatant Bill is blatantly obvious!

So of course, everyone and their dog are making fun of the photoshop job done on this poster (seriously people, it's not that bad...I mean, you're supposed to notice Bill immediately, so they weren't really going for realism). But, in all the laughing and pointing at this latest True Blood poster, the following picture was mixed in with the comments and nasty remarks:

Now this made me damn near choke. What can I say? I enjoyed reading the Twilight series, but not quite as much as I enjoy some of the remarks (and images!) made at the expense of the Twilight series.

~Lily

How Can You Make Twilight Better?

Arguably, this is one way.

~Lily

Beware the Wereguineas!

The folks from Take 180 Entertainment (hello Juice Box!) are back with another spoof of the Twilight films, this time New Moon.

I adore Devon Kelly! That's all there is to it.

~Lily

Rise of the Man Wolf

I would like to preface the following clip by saying...

I'm only posting this because Helena made me.

The preceding spoof was created by the folks at Movieclips. You can find it on youtube here, and you can find their youtube channel here. Watch it, comment it, favorite it, understand that no copyright infringement is intended with it. Basically, I don't care what you do. As for me, I'm off to rock back and forth in a corner while attempting to get the image of that chest hair out of my head.

~Lily

Dimlight

The Juice Box has made yet another Twilight parody. In The Twilight Before Christmas, Devon Kelly found her Edward. Well, kinda.

In Dimlight, things don't work out quite so smoothly for Devon. At least Tedward doesn't turn into Santa Claus in the sunlight...

If you like what you see here, check out The Juice Box Web site. These are some talented people.

~Lily

Cody Devereaux vs Wolfboy

I'm a fan of Conan O'Brien. I apparently have a thing for tall, sarcastic guys. Over the last several months, Conan has featured a sketch that any vamp fan can enjoy. Yes, I'm talking about Cody Devereaux, Conan's "sexy vampire personal assistant."


What are Cody's qualifications? He's a "brooding, handsome, misunderstood vampire who drives teenage girls crazy." He's also jealous, petty, and prone to suicide. If that's not enough, he has his own sappy theme song that cracks me up every time I hear it.

The best sketch involves Cody emo-ing out because Conan hires a passionate wolfboy assistant...and a mostly naked mummy assistant, and Cody doesn't like the competition.

Too bad I couldn't find video of that sketch online. I did find this sketch, though, which is also amusing.

~Lily

New Moon in 15 Minutes

Cleolinda is back with another hilarious parody, this time of the teen vamp juggernaut, New Moon.

Like most of her parodies, New Moon in 15 Minutes can be found at Cleolinda's m15m community on LiveJournal. Her Twilight in 15 Minutes is also available through this community.

Highlights of New Moon in 15 Minutes:

JACOB: "Happy birthday, paleface! I stopped by Redskins 'R' Us and got you a dreamcatcher. I hear you'll be needing one a few scenes from now."

***

CHARLIE: Okay, that's ENOUGH. You've been sitting here in your pajamas not changing facial expressions for FIVE MONTHS, writing emails to that loopy Cullen girl who won't even answer you, waking me up every night with screaming nightmares--what the hell are those even ABOUT? The kid dumped you, he didn't rip the beating heart out of your chest!

BELLA [opening overshirt]: YES HE DID.

CHARLIE: Well... then... spackle that up and... go pretend you have friends or something. Harry and I gotta go hunt.

***

BELLA: So... you came down with a fever of a hundred and werewolf and... now you're allergic to shirts.

JACOB: It's not a lifestyle choice, Bella. It's not like I wanted the women of America to treat me like a piece of meat. [*GLARE*]

BELLA: Hey, who said I was complaining?

JACOB: Well, I mean... that's kind of what you do.

***

As always, Cleolinda is funny and fantastic. Check out the full New Moon in 15 Minutes immediately!

~Lily

The Most Ridiculous Part of New Moon

Just a short lil entry for me this morning, because I saw this picture online and just couldn't resist.

Spoiler alert, for those that haven't seen the movie or read the book series (or have any deductive reasoning abilities).

Allow me to set the scene. The Volturi are ready to snap the lovely little human neck of a frail little human girl. Let's call her, oh, how about Bella. The only way to save Bella's frail little human neck is for her sickly-looking, emo vampire not-yet-lover to agree to change her into a vampire. Which he refuses to do. Because he's a wuss.

But then his lovely and talented sister Alice interjects, with her ability to see forms of the future that are contingent on myriad changing factors and generally wrong, and yet everyone chooses to believe her anyhow. What does she see? What possible future lands itself in Alice's vision just in time to save the day and Bella's beautiful little human neck? Well, it's this.

And this is when the entire theater burst out laughing.

Hmmm, so the whole point of whining through 3 books to be changed into a vampire is so Bella can frolic through a forest wearing clothing courtesy of the Land's End catalog?

There are no words to describe how very lame this possible because Alice's visions are flawed future will be.

EDIT: Because I just couldn't resist -

~Lily

Well That Just Makes It Sound So Icky...

Just as Helena's amusing post illustrates the scary double standard held between dirty old men and twimoms, this also rings of truth.

Kinda puts it all in perspective, huh?

~Lily